Choices
by YouOnlyKnowWhatIWantYouTo
Summary: Sometimes you're too afraid to admit you were wrong but when you do old feelings come flooding back. A one-shot between Jax and Tara, set in early Season One.


**So this is a one- shot set early in season one. I love the whole package of SOA but the one thing that pulled me in straight away was the chemistry between Jax and Tara (that hug in episode one!) There was something about those scenes in the hospital that eked out their previous history and so here is my spin on a little more of that gorgeous chemistry! Hope you enjoy x **

**DISCLAIMER – I do NOT own anything related to SOA. I am just a humble (if slightly obsessive) fan.**

**Choices**

Tara's hand massaged her aching neck as she walked down the winding corridors of St Thomas. Today had been particularly long and a problematic surgery was proving hard to forget. The two day old baby girl had survived but Tara, being the perfectionist that she was; played the surgery back in her head, reliving each and every minute detail. She knew where she would find peace. NICU.

Tara often found herself visiting her dependent but adorable patients. They reminded her of why she did her job, each small face full of promise for the new life that lay ahead of them. She automatically found herself walking towards the small ward where Abel Teller was, wanting to look in on him before she left. It was a trip that she did more often than she liked to admit, and for reasons that she couldn't explain. All she knew was seeing Jax's little boy gave her a peace that she had rarely felt before. Today was no different, only as she walked towards his ward she could see Abel's doting father peering into the small incubator that kept his son safe. Her breath caught in the back of her throat for a moment as she looked at Jax Teller, the man who had stolen her heart more than a decade ago. Jax's eyes were full of love, a small smile tugging at his lips. **_He used to look at me that way_** she remembered silently, although she was certain that the love that Jax had once felt for her was a little different to that he now had for his new born son.

She savoured the sight of Jax for a few moments more, taking in the scene of the adoring father and his newborn, before he could look up and see her. Jax still had the same good looks, the same boyish grin that could charm the pants off any lady. He had been a baby faced assassin when she had left Charming eleven years before but he had grown into his features now, she noted. His chiselled jaw sported the beginnings of a blond goatee and his body seemed to be more defined, even if a dark blue hoodie now shrouded it. His golden hair fell down over his face as he bent down to look at his son, slightly obscuring his handsome face from her. Jax Teller had broken her heart by not agreeing to leave with her all those years ago and by looking at him now she was sure that her heart still hadn't entirely mended. Eager for him not to look up and see her practically drooling at the sight of him she ventured towards the door of Abel's ward.

Jax reluctantly tore his eyes off his new son as he became aware of the ward door opening. His gaze was greeted by a smiling Tara. ''Hey Doc'' She quietly returned his greeting before staring into the incubator. It was Jax's turn to admire the beautiful brunette that had broken his heart. Her skin was like porcelain, no blemish scarred it. Her eyes were wide and curious, scanning Abel's charts and his monitors. Her hair was still dark and full and Jax remembered how he loved to run his hands through it after they had made love, his soft rhythmic touches sending her to sleep as she nestled in next to him. It seemed odd that Tara stood here with him now as a doctor. Surreal to think that if she had stayed in Charming all those years ago then she wouldn't be the person she was standing in front of him now. The doctor that had helped save his sons life. For that one reason alone he was glad that she had left. She had made something of herself, as she had promised him she would, and she had achieved her dream. Even though her decision to leave had ripped his heart to pieces, that same heart now swelled with pride for her.

''He's doing good'' she said, breaking Jax's line of thought ''Doctor Namid said he needs to do some blood tests in the morning but Abel seems to be on the road to recovery''

Jax grinned, relief sweeping through his body, his thoughts returning to his newborn son ''That's great. So the kid will get to see his first ride on a Harley then, huh?'' Tara smirked and raised her eyebrows at him, knowing that Jax said such things to tease her. They both took a moment to look at the delicate but beautiful boy in the incubator. His hair had a golden sheen to it, just like Jax's. When she had seen Abel for the first time a wave of emotion swallowed Tara up and her eyes glistened with tears. As she gazed down at him, barely minutes old, she saw how much he resembled Jax. She had always wondered what a baby of Jax's would look like, only she had hoped that some of her features would be mixed in as well, not some junkie who Jax had been married to for five minutes.

Tara had to snap out of her bitter thoughts, what ifs were no good now. ''I come down here a lot and talk to him. My visits to Abel break up my day, put a smile on my face'' Jax smiled at her, liking the fact that Tara watched over his son while he wasn't there. He glanced down at his tiny boy. Jax let a few moments pass ''What do you tell him?''

Tara tore her gaze from Abel, lost in her own thoughts yet again ''What?''

Jax looked across at her and rested one hand on top of the incubator ''You said you come down here and talk to him. What do you say?'' Tara blushed and bit her bottom lip in a nervous gesture**. ****_I tell him that I think about his dad every waking hour of the day and that I have done since I was sixteen. That I come down here and sit with him just so that I can be close to a small part of you, Jackson Teller. I tell him how I messed up, how walking away from you was the biggest regret of my life and if I hadn't how maybe you and I would be married by now. I say to him that I wish I had given birth to him, brought him into the world with you by my side. Then I'd finally be happy and we'd be perfect again_**_._ Oblivious to her thoughts Jax looked at her expectantly, waiting for her reply.

Tara laughed nervously, shrugged and lied ''I tell him all kinds of tedious things like what I had for breakfast, what I did in surgery. He's glad when I leave, I bore him silly'' Jax smiled, putting his hands in his pockets. He took another moment to take Tara in and noticed that she looked strangely flustered ''I bet you tell him all the stories about us as kids''

Tara smiled and stuffed her hands into her lab coat pockets, mimicking Jax's actions ''Sometimes, but I try and leave out all the sordid details''

Jax raised his eyebrows and slowly smiled at Tara, surprised by her confession. **_She remembers_**he thought, a sense of pride filling within him. He grinned across at her ''I was thinking more about the stories of you, me and Opie in Kindergarten but if you wanna fill my son in on our sex life, go right ahead Doc''

Tara blushed and felt the tell-tale crimson flush her cheeks. **_She definitely remembers_** he noted smugly. ''I, er…'' Jax relieved her embarrassment ''Tara, I'm joking'' She stared at him for a moment and then laughed, relief flooding through her. He watched her for a moment, savouring the gorgeous smile that swept across her face, reminding him of the stunning school girl that he had fallen for. He remembered how she would walk through the school corridor and how his eyes, along with a dozen others, would follow her as she breezed past. He didn't remember the moment when he had started to look forward to catching a glimpse of Tara Knowles during the school day but when he did see her, for just a split second, everything around him was deemed insignificant. Jax relived those moments in his head for a brief few seconds and smiled to himself. Things had seemed a lot simpler then.

He looked down at his son, whose fragile body shifted slightly across the striped blue blanket that he lay one. He returned to the one thought that had plagued him since he had found out Wendy was pregnant with his kid.

''You know, I think about it'' Jax turned from his son and looked at her solemnly ''I think about Abel being our son. Yours and mine, rather than mine and Wendy's'' Tara looked at Jax, her heart beating so fast and loudly that she was convinced it was deafening all three of them. Jax frowned slightly and bit down on his lip ''Is that wrong Tara, that I think about that?''

Tara looked at him astonished, not believing that Jax had been that brutally honest with her, not after so many years apart_. __**It doesn't mean he still loves you just that he doesn't love Wendy anymore **_she reminded herself. His face was earnest and he waited for her reply, his crystal blue eyes bearing deep into hers, desperately searching for proof that she had considered the same thing. He studied her, watched the confusion sweep over her face, unaware of her struggling to figure out how to reply to his honest confession. A confession she'd secretly been aching to hear.

**_Be sensible Tara_**_. _ Tara shook her head before she replied ''We had choices, Jax. We made them''

He smiled weakly at her, disappointment shrouding his features. He looked down at his son, once again regretting the fact that the woman standing across from him, the only woman he had ever truly loved, wasn't his son's mother. Quietly Tara heard him say, ''Yeah, we did. But maybe we made the wrong ones'' He smiled sadly and glanced back up at her, noticing how uncomfortable she now looked. If he wasn't mistaken, she looked almost heartbroken.

He was eager to get away, to get on his bike and ride through the meandering streets of Charming in a desperate bid to rid him of his thoughts ''Look, I gotta go Doc. Clay's asked us to meet at the club and I'm running late. I'll leave you to talk to the kid'' He took one final glance at his son and tenderly rested his hand on top of the incubator ''I'll catch you later, little man''

He walked around the incubator and towards Tara, who innocently smiled at him. He was once again reminded of the shy girl he had fallen in love with and his hand gently reached for her hip. Gently placing his hand there he lent down to place a kiss on her cheek. For a moment he inhaled her scent and savoured it before leaning down to her ear and there he whispered something that only she could hear. As he backed away from her he held her gaze for a few moments more, sadly smiled and then walked out of the room. Her eyes were blurred with tears as she watched him leave, his shoulders sagging. Tara's hand quickly wiped a tear away from her cheek as she watched Jax saunter down the corridor, noticing that his confident swagger had deserted him, and left her and Abel alone. She thought back to the words that he had just whispered to her, that had broken her heart once more.

''I should've got out and come with you. You should have been his mother Tara''


End file.
